Unraveled
by Bug Evans
Summary: Carter finally comes to process how her association with Finch and Reese affects her life, meanwhile Reese tries to deal with the falling apart of The Machine when he is too late to save another number. Carter/Reese.
1. Chapter 1 - Carter

**Author's Noter: This is _not_ the sequel to Never Too Much, I am still working on it.**

* * *

When Carter rose from her slumber, the sheets seemed colder than usual. Not that ordinarily another body lay beside her and provide warmth but somehow every morning for months now the sheets beside her seemed colder. Maybe they always have been and she was starting to notice. Carter never had a problem with being alone, she knows who she is as a woman, a mother, a cop and a former soldier. She never had problem accepting who she is thus being alone wasn't a problem to her, she could stand spending time reconnecting with herself .

When John told her about a year ago she wasn't alone anymore, she believed him mainly because to her it meant "you're not lonely anymore". Now she had a partner to watch her back and until a few months ago she had a vigilante quite adamant in his choice to protect her. She wasn't sure what had changed, what she had done to elicit such a strong need in him to avoid her completely but she was willing to give him all the time in the world hoping he would found his way back to her. She missed him. She hated to admit it to herself but she did. As much as

Carter could stand being alone she hated to be lonely. That's what she was: lonely. Without John a piece of the puzzle was missing, she couldn't put her finger on it but something was off. She felt blue most of the time, she longed for something she never had but also for things she missed and wished she could have. She was lonely. Loneliness is not the kind of solitude she likes, this was an isolation forced by a man she should not even think about first thing in the morning. Yet, the emptiness was still here and it grew wider and deeper as days went by. The New York weather seemed to match her defeated mood perfectly when it wasn't raining it was snowing just like when she wasn't crying for no apparent reasons she stood there motionless like a frozen body. She spent entirely too much time thinking about John, she tried to distract herself all in vain. She had to face the truth, this was a break up. The cop had been dumped by the vigilante. She lost a friend, she lost him long before she lost Szymanski or Cal.

The snow had cleared days ago, the air was still cold and uninviting. The Concrete Jungle glistened with shreds of rain drops fast falling from the crying clouds, the tall grey buildings circling her made the City gloomier since it kept the very little ray of lights from casting a warming glow on the ground. All she could see were shadows from buildings and ghosts of people pretending to be fulfilled as they walked down the street to get to work. She was one of them now. Slowly she settled in a state of numbness, she was barely all there. Her body moved and made her look like a fully functioning human being but her mind was far away, wandering in deep dark alleys smothering her deep dark secrets so no one would ever have to know. Her moral compass cracked, she lost herself somewhere in between vigilantism and cop work.

Today was her day off, she wasn't sure what she was doing out this early in the day but she needed to escape her apartment. Taylor was at school, she wanted to drop him off but he insisted on taking the subway with his friends like he did every day for the past week. Taylor was distant, he had confronted her about her behaviour she tried as best she could to reassure him, tell him she was fine just tired. He didn't believe her of course, he was a smart kid he could differentiate fatigue from a near mental breakdown. Carter kept walking straight ahead, looking down lost in her thoughts.

Far from where she stood she could hear the sharp and persistent sound of a car horn, curse words and gasp of terror. She was brought out of her trance when a strong hand gripped her arm and pulled at her with force, she was propelled onto a taut chest covered by a long black open coat a suit jacket and a crisp white shirt. She heard voices in her back wondering if she was alright, others saying she was crazy and some others claiming she probably was trying to kill herself. She didn't understand what was going on, why she had been pulled with force, why he was still holding her arm and why he smelled so familiar. She lifted her head to see who was the man and snap at him for daring to touch her. When she met his gaze her heart stopped.

"Are you trying to get killed or something, Carter?" His voice was harsh.

She wiggled her arm free of his grip, straighten her coat before leaving, walking back the way she was coming from. She didn't give him a second look, didn't bother answering his question she wanted to get out of here. The very man who'd been cluttering all of her thoughts for the past month was a few inches from her, she'd waited so long to see him again so why was she running away now? She heard footsteps behind her, he was following her. She quickened her pace hoping he would get the hint and leave her alone, he quickened his pace too, grabbed her wrist and pulled her into an alleyway. She stood there still looking at the ground her arms crossed on her chest.

"What was that about? You could have died!"

"What are you talking about?" She shot him an incredulous glare before her face contorted with anger. "I was walking, minding my own business when you yanked my arm like a maniac. What was _that_ about?"

"Keeping you alive so your son wouldn't grow up as an orphan. Why did you walk in traffic like that?"

"I didn't walk in traffic." She shook her head vehemently.

"You did. Didn't you hear the car horn?"

Yes, she heard it but it was so far away from her. She really needed to get back home and get some rest, this wasn't the first time something like this happened in the past week. Yesterday while brushing her teeth she let her hair dryer hooked to the power socket and resting on the edge of her sink, one bad movement and the hair dryer fell in the sink while the water was running she just had the time to jump away before witnessing the flash of electricity from the short-circuit it caused. A couple of days ago she fell asleep on her couch while cooking, she burnt dinner really badly.

She was a mess. She was tired and angry. She finally processed what happened, maybe she wasn't alone and lonely after all. He did just save her life...again. Come to think of it he just saved her body from being crushed by a speeding car, when he had the chance to save her life he shut her down, he hadn't come to her rescue when she needed him the most. Her life was unraveling, her world was crumbling right before her eyes and there was nothing she could do to keep the pieces from falling further.

"Don't follow me, John."

She walked out of the alley in the direction of her apartment. Now more than ever she needed to be alone. A hot bath and a good cry should ease some of the pain constricting her damaged heart. If not, then she'll keep on living with it, patiently waiting for it to fade away and free her.

* * *

Carter sunk in a hot bath hoping to relax her sore muscles, she had been so tensed lately. She closed her eyes allowing her mind to drift back to that fateful night. She allowed her mind to be flood by the disgusting task she'd achieved, it was a sort of punishment she inflicted herself for parting ways with her convictions. No matter how hard she tried to dignify her actions she knew deep down none of what she had done to protect and help Reese, Finch and Fusco were the right thing to do. If Fusco was innocent she should have let the system clear his name, instead she borrowed a dog from a vigilante and went on her knees to dig up a corpse. She was a cop, she was supposed to uphold the law not break it so the man she had grown to love could kneecap his way through town for as long as she allowed him to.

It wasn't about the good and the bad, seeing things in either black or white. It was a matter of love and what she could do to preserve her heart from breaking. She realized long ago she would do anything for John. Including breaking laws if needed. It started after New Rochelle when she retrieved his army file and shredded it to erase part of his past, give him a bit of peace. When he had been caught by Donelly she couldn't ignore her feelings anymore, she had to bring him back. She believed in him, in his quest of salvation, in his vigilante work. She witnessed first hand and more than once how important their work was to the city she was passionate to protect. But Finch and Reese with the help of their mysterious source, they could prevent murders from happening, they kept people alive and she was confident she was helping a good cause. She didn't necessarily angry with their methods still she was opened to compromise she managed to get John to stop killing countless of bad guys to save one life, she was a firm believer in balance. But now she was losing faith in their work, she lost two friends under HR's bullets when she asked Finch how come they hadn't been able to prevent Cal's death all he could say was "It's a question that troubles me aswell, I only wish I had an adequate answer."

She wasn't sure how long she soaked in her bath, the water was cold when she got out and it hadn't achieved to help her relax if anything she was more tense. She took a quick look at her phone which was on silent, no missing calls, no messages. He hadn't even try to call her after their encounter. He did not follower home either, she knew she'd asked him not to but since when did he listen? Something had changed between them she could feel it. With nothing important to do Carter decided to go back to bed, maybe everything was nothing but a bad dream? If she woke up everything would be back to normal, John would still quietly be by her side always making sure she was okay, caring for her like he used to in his own way.

* * *

_She drove to Oyster Bay, Bear in the back seat a shovel and garbage bag in the trunk. She came to a stop once she was close enough to the location. She gaze into space for a moment contemplating turning back and leaving Fusco in the capable hands of Justice, he did deserve to be behind bars he had killed people he admitted it, he was a dirty cop. But she believed him when he'd said he changed, however she did not believe him when he said he didn't kill Stills. She had to help him somehow, if IAB found the body then Fusco went down, she would lose her partner the only cop in her precinct she knew she could trust. Was it the right thing to do? No. Will she ever be able to forgive herself? No. But she had to do it. _

_She had a good idea in which perimeter Stills was buried, she didn't know where exactly. She grabbed her pocket lamp, Bear, the shovel and the bags and put to good use the few Dutch commands she had to memorize on the way to this macabre place. It was dark, the moon was dull, the stars covered by thick clouds so dark they were almost invisible against the rich velvety midnight blue of the sky. It's color deepened as it met the horizon where the dark of the woods gulp the small lights emanating from the few stars still visible. The trees were tall, threatening, dark and imposing. Their branches skinny, distorted, looked like deadly weapons ready to pierce through her tender flesh on the first chance they'll get. The air was ice cold, she could feel her lungs burning at each breath she took. The crunch of the snow under each of her steps made her heart soar, she envisioned countless of dead bodies grossly buried under the frozen soil, she wondered how many were innocent and how many were guilty. She followed Bear's lead until he started to scratch at the soil moving around snow and dirt, uprooting small patches of moss and grass. She stood there looking at him vehemently digging, thoroughly enjoying himself. _

_Carter reached for her shovel and started to dig. The cry from her shovel when it hit a bone made her heart jump in her chest. She needed to be strong, she needed to keep her emotions in check and the tears at bay to keep digging the body up. She bent down on her knees, the snow melted in the dirt and mud covered her jeans and boots in various places. She was desecrating a tomb, troubling a soul in it's eternal sleep in order to help a repented murderer, the very same who most certainly killed the one she was digging up. The foul smell of the rotten corpse excited Bear whom started to dig more rapidly, as soon as the smell reach her nostrils Carter had to suppress her need to lay down the content of her stomach. In her job it was common occurence to see dead bodies but never had she seen one in such an advance stage of decomposition. She grabbed one of the garbage bad and emptied her stomach in it. She was all alone, in the woods, in one of the coldest winter nights pulling the remnants, of what once was a human being, in a trash bag to find him a new grave._

Carter awoke hysteric, her heart was pounding in her chest, her face tainted with stream of tears still falling down, her breath caught in her throat she felt like she was about to die from suffocation. The images of her night in Oyster Bay had found their way back when she fell asleep. Every time she let her guard down they were back to haunt her. She ran to the bathroom and emptied her stomach of the very little content she ingested before. Her stomach heaved long after she had nothing more to give out. She got up to rinse her mouth as soon as she was done with the task she left herself slide to the floor. She was too weak and tired to even try to move back to her bedroom. She was having a full-blown panic attack alone in her bathroom. She curled into a fetal position her cheek resting on the cold tiles of her bathroom floor. Each sob coming out of her were like tsunami waves crashing on a shore.

She cried for a long moment before falling asleep on the floor. She had no more energy left to carry herself to bed. She wanted to cry for so long but never allowed herself to do so, Carter the woman was pestering her to let herself go and crawl in the darkest corner to cry her eyes out until someone came to rescue her but Carter the homicide detective, former soldier and single mother won the battle; She needed to be strong for her son, for Szymanski and for Cal. When Carter opened her eyes she was in the comfort of her own bed she had no idea how she ended up there but she was more than grateful for the softness of her mattress. She was neatly tucked in her bed, a glass of water and aspirin were set on her bedside table. Carter noticed it was dark outside, which meant it was late and she felt guilt as to how she ended up there. The only plausible explanation was her son had come back from school, found her on her bathroom and helped her get to bed. She assumed that's what went down since she had no recollection of what happened.

She sat in her bed and immediately felt the pounding in her head, she winced at the sudden blood rush in her temples. She called out for her son, her voice still raspy from the purging session she had earlier. The footsteps she heard coming toward her room weren't the ones of Taylor. These were the footsteps of someone used to walk and stalk as to not be heard, someone who moved like a feline, her son was more on the pachyderm side of the animal spectrum. She didn't feel threaten she knew damn well who was about to open her door and she felt relieved her son never had to see like that. She set her gaze on her door impatiently waiting for it to open. Her heart raced, a shot of adrenaline rushed through her veins she felt tears welling in her eyes and she wasn't really sure why. The door finally opened and he walked into her room, his eyes locked on hers. She got up quickly ignoring the pain in her head and threw herself in his arms, holding tight to his shirt allowing her tears to fall. She had no idea why she did it, they never been this close before but she needed it. She felt his arm around her shoulders pushing her closer to him. This is what she needed, proof that he was still here, proof that he still cared about her despite what he showed those past weeks.

"Taylor is at your mom's. I picked up Thai food, you need to eat."

"Thank you."

"You're worrying me, Carter. This isn't you."

"How can you know? You're not around anymore."

"I'm always around, I never left. I wasn't calling anymore but I've always been close to you."

She tilted her head to look at him, for a few seconds everything disappeared, noises were muffled, she wasn't aware of her surroundings anymore all she could do was hold on to him tightly as he crashed his lips on hers.


	2. Chapter 2 - John

A week had passed since The Machine gave out a number. John Reese was left with nothing to do but ponder over his past acts. In the past it had proven itself to be an issue as John would let himself go, allowing his dark thoughts to take control of his life. This time wasn't that bad, he wasn't drinking but he had stopped shaving. He pace back and force in the library asking obssessively if there was a new number yet. Every time the same answer came ringing in his ear: "No, Mr. Reese." He was scared the Machine would never deliver a new number, what would he become? He needed this job to righten the balance, he would save a life for every innocent ones he took when he was a CIA operative.

Nightmares had a way of coming back to him every night. When he was not haunted by the memories of Kara Stanton and the gruesome acts they performed together, he was haunted by the sound of Doctor Nelson's glass shattering on the floor as his life slipped away from his body. He had spent twenty-four hours with a dying man, a man he had been too late to save, just like he had been too late to save Jessica and Cal Beecher. When the sound of the glass shattering wasn't playing in his head, constant reminder of his failure, his mind was flooded by various thoughts of Carter. Night and day he was haunted by her voice, her doe like eyes piercing his soul. And every once in a while when Carter left his mind he would think about the slow death he inflicted to Nelson's murderer, the way he poisoned him without a second thought like he used to do in the CIA. That night the dark crawled back to swallow him whole.

Each passing day was a struggle within himself between the Good Man and the Monster he hid underneath the suit. He wanted to believe in Carter's words, he wanted to bask in the faith she placed in him but he knew better. He knew what he was, a cold-blooded killer, a walking dead man. When he met Carter she reached out to him and he appreciated the effort she made to see past the bum and look at the man. She had a pure mind and a kind heart, she knew right from wrong and did the right thing to help others and protect her city. When he first met her he couldn't help but notice her beauty, her curves were difficult to hide underneath the unflattering material of her suit but what struck him most were her eyes, big brown eyes that could convey more than any words she could speak and her confidence. Carter was 5 ft 4' of confidence, strength and independence. In other circumstances, if he had been a man worthy of her he would have asked her out. He had a soft spot for the no-nonsense detective.

But John was flawed, he was bad, he was a monster, he was the dark. Never had he wanted for her to fall in the darkness with him, she was pure and honorable with values and convictions yet he compromised her. His darkness tried to pull her in, as soon as he realized it he stopped contacting her. It was fine for her to help them save lives of worthy people or incarcerate perps but she shouldn't have to save his life. He wasn't worth all she put on the line for him, especially when she almost lost everything.

John couldn't stand being left with nothing to do, all he was required to do now was wait for the inevitable to occur in order to get back in action. So while he waited he either played chess with Han or most of the time he followed Carter around town, to make sure she was safe and see if she was okay. Finch told him what Carter had done to protect Fusco, he knew if he hadn't compromised her she would have stayed on the right side of the law. It was his fault if Carter was unraveling before his eyes, he wished he could do something to fix her. John also knew he should have been the one to go pick up Bear but he couldn't do it, he couldn't face her after their phone call and what he did to Doctor Richard Nelson's murderer.

John tossed his empty cup of coffee in the trashcan next to him. His eyes locked on Taylor's tall figure walking with friends, once more he took the subway to go to school instead of having his mother dropping him off. Reese stood across the street from Carter's apartment not sure why since it was her day off and she would most certainly not go out this early in the morning. After a moment of staring at her building door, John turned around ready to leave when she appeared, going down the small flight of concrete stairs. The wind was chill and the cold rain abrasive on his skin. He followed her keep a reasonable distance between them, he didn't want her to know he was following her. He wasn't ready to face her now, he needed more time to tame his feelings for her.

When a few months back she inquired if he was ready to move on he never gave her an answer for fear if he did she would see through him and reject him. He wouldn't have blamed her if she had done so considering the kind of person he was, it would only be normal for a woman like Joss Carter to run away as fast as can be from a man like John Reese. When she said she considered moving on he thought maybe he might have a chance but when she started dating Cal Beecher he was brought back to reality. They were friends.

John ran the short distance separating him from her, grabbed her arm and yanked her out of the way of the car. She wasn't paying attention to her surroundings and walked straight into traffic. His heart was beating fast in his chest, he almost lost her. If he hadn't been following her who's to say she would have survived the speeding car. He heard several comments from people who witness the scene, some said she was crazy, other speculated she tried to kill herself but John knew none of this was true, she was distracted. It was his fault, if only he had helped Fusco when she asked him to instead of planning a murder then she wouldn't have to taker care of his mistakes. She looked at him and his heart stopped.

"Are you trying to get killed or something, Carter?" His voice was harsh, he didn't want to sound so mean and uncaring.

She wiggled her arm free of his grasp and didn't bother to respond she just walk away back to her apartment. He was worried about her, she didn't act like herself. He followed her this time staying closer to her than he had before. She quickened her pace, John knew why she was hurrying, she didn't want to talk to him. He understood perfectly but he didn't want to let her walk all the way back alone even if they were close to her apartment. He was scared she might put herself in danger again. He walked a little faster, grabbed her hand and pulled her into a nearby alleyway. Reese looked at her standing in front of him looking at the ground with her arms crossed on her chest.

"What was that about? You could have died!"

"What are you talking about?" She shot him an incredulous glare before her face contorted with anger. "I was walking, minding my own

business when you yanked my arm like a maniac. What was _that_ about?"

"Keeping you alive so your son wouldn't grow up as an orphan. Why did you walk in traffic like that?"

"I didn't walk in traffic." She shook her head vehemently.

"You did. Didn't you hear the car horn?"

She stood in silence still not bothering to look at him.

"Don't follow me, John."

He watched her go. He decided he would leave her alone for a few hours and then he'll drop by to talk to her.

* * *

John pulled up to Taylor's school and waited for him leaning on his car. He hadn't seen him since he brought him back to his mother. Taylor spotted him immediately and grew worried, John step aside opening the passenger door for Taylor to get in. He did without asking any question. John walked around the car and sat back in the passenger sit.

"Am I in danger?"

"No, you're not."

"Is mom okay?"

"She's not physically hurt, if that's your question."

"You've noticed too? She's acting weird..."

"I thought you might want a ride home."

Taylor turned to look at him, Reese addressed him a slight smile.

"Can you drop me off at grandma's? You two have a lot to talk about." John shot him a surprised look but turned the key in the ignition.

They drove in silence until they reached Carter's mother's house.

"She loves Pad Thai and wine. She'll be okay?"

"I'll make sure of that."

* * *

John didn't bother knocking on her door, he picked the lock and let himself in. She wasn't in the living room or in the kitchen and he knew she was home. Her bedroom door was ajar he decided to take a quick look, she wasn't in here either. Reese grew worried. Her bed cover had been pushed back hurriedly. John entered the room looking around for any sign of Carter, after what happened this morning he was scared she might have hurt herself some way or another. He went into the bathroom and found her sleeping on the floor, judging by the smeared makeup she had been crying. He scooped her up in his arms and tucked her into bed. He went back to her bathroom to look through her medicine cabinet, he pulled out two aspirin which he set on her bedside table on his way to her kitchen. There he filled a tall glass of water and went to set it beside the two white pills.

It was starting to get dark outside, seeing as she needed the rest John decided to go and pick up some takeout. With the traffic it took him about an hour to go and come back. He picked her lock again and sat the bag of food on her kitchen counter.

"Taylor, baby?"

Her voice was raspy. Reese didn't answer instead he went to her room, he wasn't sure how she would react upon seeing him and he didn't care. This time he wasn't going anywhere and they would talk. The way she was acting had him and her son worried. When he opened the door she was sitting in her bed looking at him not even surprised to find him here. Quickly she left her bed and practically run to him, throwing herself in his arms. He tensed for a second when he heard her cry before relaxing completely to provide her with the comfort she sought. Despite the circumstances he was glad to have her in his arms. He wrapped a strong arm around her shoulders and push her closer to him. He didn't want to let go of her, it has been to long since he'd seen her. He mentally kicked his butt for forcing himself to try and live without her when clearly it was impossible.

"Taylor is at your mom's. I picked up Thai food, you need to eat." Of all the things he could have said to her this was the first thing to escape his mouth?

"Thank you."

"You're worrying me, Carter. This isn't you."

"How can you know? You're not around anymore." Is that what it was about? Was she trying to get his attention by acting recklessly?

"I'm always around, I never left. I wasn't calling anymore but I've always been close to you."

She tilted her head to look at him, teary-eyed, her makeup smeared by the tears shed before. She looked beautiful he thought so beautiful he decided to do the one thing he has denied himself for months. He lowered his face to hers and crashed his lips on hers. She held on tightly to his suit jacket almost as though she was afraid if she'd let go he would disappear. Her full lips under his tasted of her tears and nothing around them mattered to him anymore. She was responding to his kiss and he felt his light-headed, she wanted this as much as he did. He didn't know why she'd chosen him but he was glad she did. He slipped his tongue in her mouth caressing her tongue lightly with his before they mingled into a sensual dance each desperate for control and hungry for more. She felt his hands on her body and she locked hers behind his neck. Anything could have happened in the outside world, they didn't care, they finally were together. She broke the kiss giving a chance to their lungs to stock on oxygen. She broke the kiss.

"John..."

"I know. I'm sorry."

There was so much more he wanted to say. He wanted to tell her was the one who killed Stills, he wanted her to know it was his fault that he should have assumed the consequences and he should have come to help when they needed him. He wanted to tell her what he had done that night but he knew if he did she would be mad at him and he didn't want to risk losing her like he almost did when Szymanski got shot by Elias' men.

He couldn't bear the idea of losing her. He never thought after Jessica he would be able to love again. He thought this door sealed and the key thrown in a giant black-hole. He still loved Jessica and he would probably always do but the love he felt towards Jocelyn Carter was different, it was stronger, deeper, scarier too. This time he had much more to lose if he were to lose her.

"You're not alone, Joss."


	3. Chapter 3 - Carter

New York nights were still cold but Carter's sheets seemed warmer, not that another body lay beside her to provide warmth but somehow, for the last three days the sheets seemed warmer. The kiss she had shared with John had been passionate and exquisite. Never had she imagined what she'd spent hours daydreaming of would one day become reality. She gave him the time he obviously needed and now he found his way back to her in the best manner possible. Although she had no idea what this meant to them, or how drastically things were changed she cherished the moment they shared. They didn't talk about it like other people would have, a simple exchange of looks sufficed to understand each other. That was the beauty of it all, they didn't need words to understand what the other had to say, anyone could be in the room with them during a conversation they would never get to understand what was truly said between John and Joss. The real conversation didn't lie in the spoken words carried by their voices but in the unspoken ones conveyed by their eyes. It was that simple really, it just took a look and they knew.

They haven't been in contact since the night in her apartment, she was swamped with work and assumed he probably was too but didn't need her assistance. More than ever she was determined to find Beecher's killer, as a mean to ease her guilt, a way of apologizing to him for not trusting him enough if at all and to lock the door and move on to finally be with the man she was in love with. She feared the time she needed to come to terms with her grief would be too long and John would have too much time to think about them and decide not to pursue anything.

But she needed the time to partially heal and could only hope he would wait for her.

Carter stopped her car once arrived at the crime scene she had been called into. Another case to work, another one she knew would never get an happy ending since they were already dead. Assisting John and Finch to prevent homicide from happening almost had her forget how it truly was in the streets. With Fusco busy elsewhere she was more than glad to find the familiar face of Raymond Terney, someone she could trust.

"You finally ditched your partner?"

"Fusco is uptown working a case. Love triangle gone bad." They walked to the bodies covered by black cloth.

"Does any of these ever go good?"

"Can't imagine they do. What happened here?" She inquired.

"Two of the bodies belong to Elias, the other is an innocent."

"You think it's the Russians?"

"Possible but Elias has pissed off so many people. Listen Carter I've been hearing from people, you've been looking into Beecher's murder?"

The question immediately triggered a warning in Carter, what was it to him if she was looking into Cal's murder or not? She felt defensive and

suspicious. With all the corrupt cops in the NYPD she had a hard time knowing who she could or could not trust.

"What I do in my off-time isn't your concern, Terney."

"I'm not looking to bust your chops, I just want you to know if you need some help, I'm more than happy to give you a hand."

But she wasn't listening to what he was saying. She could make out a silhouette in the corner of her eye. She turned her head to take a look at the person standing there. It was none other than John, looking at her patiently waiting for her to be done talking with her colleague. He gave her an almost imperceptible nod before disappearing in an alley.

"Thanks. You know I'm gonna canvass up the block, see if I can get anybody to talk."

She walked to the alley at a rather fast pace, she was thrilled to see him after three days of silence. Part of her was scared too, she wondered if he was here because he had been too late to prevent the death of Elias' men and that innocent one or if she was one of his case again. She never saw him around her crime scenes and she was aware of him following her but he never made himself visible unless he wanted to. She could feel her heart beat faster than usual, when she finally reached the alley John turned around to look at her.

"You're okay, Carter?"

So that was the motive of his visit? He wanted to know how she was doing. He was proving to her what he told her in her apartment he was always close to her.

"How do I look, John?"

"You get anything new on Beecher's killer?"

"Nothing. But I know HR had their hands in it and I'm gonna do whatever I can to bring them down."

Once she'll be done with HR, she will finally be able to focus on John and what they have. She won't have to worry about cops getting killed or missing most importantly she won't have to worry about being one of them.

"I'm sorry, Carter. Beecher was a good man."

"Yes...he was."

Tears started welling up, she bit her lower lip to keep them at bay, the last thing she needed was to breakdown when she had to get back on a crime scene after. But the guilt she felt was strong, Beecher was a good man and it took a death sentence for her to realize it. If only she had given him a chance, if only she had trusted him. She wasn't sure what it could have changed if she had but she knew she should have trusted him nonetheless.

"But I got a job to do. Three fresh bodies, my eighth homicide in two weeks."

"Just tell me what I can do to help."

"Well you can start by telling me what's changed. Most of these homicides were premeditated, the type of situations you guys usually warn us about."

John moved as to position himself in front of her. There was a gap between them. He was close enough she could feel his body heat and touch him if she wanted to.

"There is a situation. We're working on it."

That's when she saw them, the tears in his eyes. They made his blue eyes even more hypnotizing, she wondered what thoughts had taken over his mind that he felt compelled to fight the tears which wanted badly to escape. She acknowledged the certain level of trust he placed in her, she was flattered to know he wasn't afraid to show his emotions to her. She knew the CIA trained him to keep any kind of emotion from showing. She witnessed it the first time she met him and again when she interrogated him in Rikers.

"Well, hurry."She knew how unfair it was to put such pressure on him but she needed things to get back to normal.

"I never thought I'd say this but the Russians are worse than Elias. More man power,fewer rules."

* * *

In other circumstances, Carter would have appreciated the serenity of her apartment while her son was asleep, enjoyed the comfort of her couch and the silly programs on TV. But tonight she was exhausted, she felt helpless. The clock was ticking. It was her against HR, she knew they could strike at any moment most likely when she would be on duty. She made a mental note to always stay with someone she trusted either Fusco or Terney, too bad John wasn't NYPD she would have stuck to him like glue.

Her encounter with John left her with more worries. It felt a lot like goodbye she wasn't sure which of them initiated it, maybe she had been the first. HR is coming after her and John can't be at two places at once he needs to take care of the problem with his source and she needs to keep doing her job. At the same time she had a feeling John didn't quite know what he was putting himself into. Images of John teary-eyed came rushing back to her memory.  
Pre-recorded laughs on her TV brought her out of her musings. She realized she's been sitting on her couch with the TV on for a while, not even bothering to pay attention to what was going on, on the screen. She turned it off and made her way to the bathroom, surely a hot shower would do her good. Carter took off her makeup and washed her face. She took a long hard look in the mirror and didn't like the image it sent back to her. Her skin was dull, she looked tired, her eyes lost their usual sparkle.

After a long hot shower, Carter went to bed. She laid on her back detailing her ceiling for a moment. She couldn't seem to keep her eyes shut long enough to fall asleep, after examining her ceiling she started tossing and turning like a maniac. She was growing more and more frustrated with the lack of sleep. A few punches on the plush pillow next to her served to bring her back to a calmer state, it wasn't enough to completely relax her and find sleep, still, it was a start.

Not knowing what to do with herself she grabbed her phone and contemplated calling him. Then again considering how late it was he would certainly be asleep by now, if he wasn't and she called he would be worried something happened to her and she didn't want him to worry over nothing. She also badly wanted to talk with him, hear his voice. She decided sending a text would be best, if he was asleep he wouldn't answer and ask her about it in the morning and if he was awake he would just have to text back.

It wasn't long before her phone started vibrating in her hand, only it wasn't a text he was calling her. She felt a sudden surge of guilt thinking that maybe she had him worried. She picked up and slowly brought the phone to her ear.

"John...I'm sorry."

"Something's wrong? Do you need help?"

"No! No...I didn't want you to worry. I'm fine. Really."

"You don't sound fine to me, Carter. Where are you?"

She took a deep breath and exhaled a long sigh, she wasn't used to deal with so much concern. Of course her son worried about her and voiced his concern from time to time but it was easy to put his worries to rest and reassure him on her well-being. With John it was another story. He followed her around whenever he got the chance so he could see how tiring and nerve-wracking her job could get, not to mention the many times she had to fire her gun before someone fired at her when helping John and Finch on a case. He knew just how dangerous it could really get, he lived it too, he wasn't easy to fool and honestly she didn't want to fool him. She wanted a friend who could understand, someone she could trust not to judge her when she felt vulnerable. Being a former soldier, a Purple Heart honoree and a homicide detective wasn't a breeze especially when these titles were attached to a woman. She had to constantly prove herself to every men around her, vulnerability wasn't a valuable option if she wanted to earn her colleague's respect.

With John however, it was different. No matter how vulnerable she could get never had he seen in her a damsel in distress, never had he looked at her with less respect if anything he respected her even more. Only with him could she allow herself to let go from time to time and even though she rarely let the tears fall down she couldn't begin to count the times he'd saw her on the verge of doing so.

"Joss?" His voice brought her back to reality in a second.

"Yeah? I-I'm home. I couldn't sleep that's all."

"What can I do for you? Would you like a bedtime story, Detective?" he joked.

She could perfectly picture the smirk on his lips and that made her smile.

"Got any good one?" He seemed to think about it for a second.

"No. Not really. You try to sleep and if something happens you tell me."

"I tell you?"

"Yeah. I won't hang up."

She argued with him that he was in no obligation to do this, she didn't know why she texted in the first place and was sorry to bother him like that, he effectively shut her up telling her if she hung up he would come to her apartment and give her a reason not to sleep. She knew he hadn't thought this one through and she briefly thought about whether she should hang up but she remained on the line. Carter moved the phone to block it between her ear and her pillow, all she could hear was his steady breathing and it gave her some sort of reassurance if she had a nightmare or couldn't sleep at all at least she wasn't completely alone in her dark room in her big empty bed. She finally gave in to the longing warmth of Morpheus.

* * *

She stirred from her slumber before her alarm got a chance to rip her out of it. She felt something hot on her cheek and remembered John's words. For a second she felt self-conscious, according to Taylor she tends to snore when she is really tired and judging by the level of exhaustion she felt she most certainly did. It was morning now, surely he had hung up and with a bit of chance never had to hear her snore. She stretched and yawned ready to start her day. From the little glimpse she could grasp from the outside world hiding behind her curtains, the weather seemed much better than it did days prior. She could catch a ray of light making its way into her room, highlighting the dark cover of her bed. Carter moved the phone from underneath her face to set it on her bedside table, something in her brain prompt her to touch the screen and see if John had hung up or not. She was partly surprised he had not and greatly horrified, she hoped she hadn't talk in her sleep or had a less than christian dream about him as she sometimes did. She wanted to know if any of it happened but figured if she didn't ask it would be easier to forget. By curiosity she brought the phone to her ear, she heard noises of dishes being shuffled around, cupboards being opened and shut, a few bottles tingling when he opened his fridge and a curse word when he spilt something. She couldn't suppress her giggle no matter how hard she tried.

"So you're awake?"

"Yes, I am. And you're up awfully early too."

"I hope to get around to resolving that situation I talked to you about."

"Listen, I gotta get ready and drop Taylor off to school. Thank you for last night. Talk to you later?"

"No problem, Carter."

Her day couldn't have started any better, she thought. She actually could get used to hearing his voice first thing in the morning. Unfortunately her high was very short lived as looking for a tangible lead in Cal's murder seemed more and more like looking for the Atlantis. HR was good to cover up the tracks, no potential witness was left behind, it looked like it was done in the line of duty. A tragic accident, a fate he couldn't escape.

Yet she knew something was off, she needed to dig deeper until the shovel hit a bone. The irony wasn't lost on her either, she will have to metaphorically dig up the bad guys to bring justice while weeks before she literally dig up the bad guy to bury justice in its place. Lines were blurring, it wasn't all about the law anymore she had come to accept it. Maybe being a cop and a vigilante was the right balance for her to keep in order to do what's good and save lives because at the end of the day with all the corruption surrounding her she couldn't always trust the law and she certainly couldn't uphold it single-handedly. Carter had to look at the bigger picture. With Elias still operating and HR poisoning the system, vigilantism remained her safest bet. Finch and Reese were the only allies Fusco and her could count on. They lost two good men in the battle if she wanted to win she would need her secret weapons: good men disguised as bad guys.

She was well aware at some point HR would retaliate, she knew maybe she wouldn't get out of it alive she also knew if anything bad was to happen her the opening of Pandora's Box would be child's play compared to the Hell it would unleash upon HR's head. If she was to be silenced for eternity her Man in a Suit would not hesitate to kill any living soul who dared to associate with HR. She was also sure they would look after Taylor and make sure he was taken care of. It didn't mean she wasn't scared though, or completely reckless. She wasn't ready to give up on the fate of the NYPD just yet, if she had to go down for it so be it the Greater Good was at stake she would not hesitate to sacrifice if it was the right thing to do.

She took a break from working Beecher's murder to help out the guys with their new case. Something about the guy they were investigating was odd to her, he didn't seem to exist. She already had suspicions earlier when she called John after interrogating Thornhill's secretary but now they were highly enforced. She called John to inform him and try to fish for new information, she didn't like to be involved in cases she hadn't a clear view of. If she was thrown into the deep pool it seemed only fair to at leat know how to swim. He picked up right away.

"What can I do for you, Carter?"

"Something's not right with that Thornhill guy. I talked to the car service he used. Reservation were made online with instructions to drive from JFK to his office, without a passenger. Just exactly who are we dealing with here?"

"We've got this one under control. Thanks."

"John, if you'd just trust me a little bit more, maybe I could help.

"I know you could, Joss. But right now, maybe...Beecher needs your help more than we do. Good luck."

How she hated when he was right, the right thing to do would be finding proof to lock HR away for good but she wanted to help out, prevent something bad from happening. She opened the investigation file and focused on every details in the report. Surely something escaped her, even the tiniest bit of evidence would be enough to know in which direction she should be looking. It's all she needed, a clue as to where she should start digging.

"Hey, Carter!"

She had been so preoccupied by the case she hadn't seen him arrive and jumped on her sit when he called her. She quickly closed the file and set it aside as a mean to avoid any more questions about her investigating Cal's murder.

"I got a lead on the guy who shot Beecher. I thought you might want in."

"Yeah." Carter retrieved her gun in its holster from her desk drawer. Finally a lead to follow and maybe a chance to close the case for good.

* * *

It took about four hours to thoroughly prepare their mission, find back up and make sure the suspect would be at the address given to Terney by his CI. Her blood was boiling from excitement, adrenaline shot through her veins and gave her a slight buzz. The car pulled up to the house the suspect was supposed to be in. It was relatively modest house, something that could be find in the suburbs but was set in a bad part of the city. Most of them were generally abandoned, no one wanted to buy a house in a bad part of town when they could get one in a nice, quiet suburb to raise their kids. So thugs and drug dealers to advantage of the empty space to get their business to blossom. She immediately knew she'd have to be more cautious as anything could go down in such sinister settings.

"You guys get the front. Carter, we'll get the back."

The two other cops who accompanied them rushed to the front door while they made their way to the back. She drew her weapon out of its holster and took the lead while Terney covered for her. She heard the front door smash open and her colleagues announcing themselves with a loud "NYPD!" she took a deep breath ready to stop anyone trying for an escape. She knew too well how the average drugged suspect operates, really anything could go down.

The rest went by fast yet she managed to stay calm, collected and in control of the situation. A mad man made a dash for her aiming a firearm, she had to shoot before getting shot. Two thunderous shots broke the thick air quickly followed by the loud thump of a dead body falling on concrete. She aimed for his chest, two red circles drenched his grey shirt. She didn't have time to see his face all she saw was a man running toward them with a gun pointing at her. She hated to aim for the kill but she wasn't about to lose her life or let a colleague die on the job to have an armed suspect who escaped two other cops in handcuffs.

"You alright?"

She gave a quick glance at Terney to nod yes. It was a lie, she was devastated. She set her eyes back on the body. Immediately her mind started reeling, he was young he probably had a family who cared for him and in seconds she took him away from them. Then again if she hadn't she would have been the cold body on the ground. Being a cop was conflicting at times, she followed the rules it didn't necessarily mean she had done the right thing this time. Carter heard Terney calling for a new units and an IAB agent since she was involved in a shooting. She quickly gathered her thoughts and kept replaying what happened in her mind, looking for details she could have missed to back her up during the eventual investigation. She could also count on Terney to tell the truth, she could trust him.

She waited in the cold for what seemed an eternity before IAB showed up. All around her it was buzzing with cops doing their job as tired and eager to get home to their families as she was. Terney, came back with a man she had never seen before, she presumed he was IAB since he made a beeline for her not bothering to ask questions to the other unit. It was time to give her deposition. She wasn't scared though she knew she had followed the rules, she would be done quickly and would be able to move on with the little threads of her life she had left.

"Detective Carter? Ed Solis, IAB." He a deep, powerful voice as well as an imposing figure, not one that would induce fear but respect.

"I know the drill. Full debrief with internal affairs. Even on a good shoot."

"Good shoot? Is that what you call this?" He gave a quick nod toward the suspect body.

What was he even talking about? Yes, it was a good shoot. She followed the rules, kept a man from killing not one but two officers of the law and yes she did feel bad he had to be stopped this way but he was armed and dangerous. It was the protocol. She shot a quick glance at Terney, prompting him to back her up. He was there he'd seen everything.

"Carter, I mean, you said you saw a gun and I believe you but there isn't one there."

She turned around to observe the scene behind her. A dead man, two shots in the abdomen, no gun. No gun. She didn't fault Terney for his statement, everything went by so fast maybe he hadn't seen the gun. He called for a unit right away, talked to her to see if she was doing okay and went on to guide the unit on the shooting scene. She looked around the body, maybe the firearm had fell off his hand and landed nearby? Her eyes stopped on one of the unities, she recognize him right away as part of HR. He had been suspected but for lack of evidence he'd been released.

So this was it, that was HR's retaliation. They weren't going to kill her, they were going to frame her, make her suffer for being good, for wanting justice to be served. Was Terney on this end of retaliation too? Or was he compromised and asked to lie so she could go down? She had a hard time believing it but she had seen so many betrayals it wouldn't surprise her.

Slowly someone was pulling on one of the last threads holding up her life, values and convictions together. And ever so slowly she could see it all unravel before her. If HR wanted her down she would give them a fight to remember, she won't go down without collateral damages to them. She willl fight for Bill Szymanski, for Cal Beecher, for herself and any man connected to HR that will come down in the process will be considered a victory.


End file.
